Category Archives: Alas Babylon

Winning Not Whining

The New York Times published letters today in response to an article about the increasing investments in first class amenities by the airlines. One of the letters was mine, in which I commented on my recent trip to Australia and back in first class on a Qantas A380, which enabled me to “hit the ground running” for my speaking commitment when I arrived and to return home refreshed.

The other letters were about an ever-increasing movement to strike at “them” (anyone who is better off through talent and hard work). One observation was that first class seats shouldn’t be a tax deduction and another that coach seating is suffering because the money is being spent up front.

First, redistribution of wealth; then, redistribution of seats!!

I’ve met people throughout my career who discovered what would be important to them in life and strove to achieve and obtain it. I’ve met others who simply bemoaned the fact that people had things that they don’t and resorted to perpetual victimhood.

TIAABB: There is always a bigger boat. I don’t need the biggest, and couldn’t afford it, anyway. But I know how I want to live, travel, contribute, drive, and recreate. And I strive to fulfill those aspirations by innovating, marketing, and providing more quality and better experiences than others. I take prudent risk as an entrepreneur, and don’t delude myself into thinking that a corporate job with less risk would reward me similarly. I pursued my education, and read every word on every page in every book. I don’t plan to “retire,” though I take care to provide for long-term financial needs independent of government safety nets.

Most of all, I don’t begrudge anyone who has more than I. Good for them. If I want what they have, I’ll work to get it, but I won’t demand that they give me part of what they have because of some kind of crazed egalitarianism. I went to public schools through my first masters degree, paid for by government loans which I repaid, scholarships, and part-time jobs. It was a good feeling. I didn’t get to use “Daddy’s money” because there was none!

People have different levels of need. A modest life can be a life well-lived if that’s your goal. An affluent life can be a life well-lived if that’s your goal. But to resent another’s life because it contains what you wish you had but don’t is a wasted life.

Once the demands are accepted that everyone be treated exactly alike—despite talent, achievement, and work ethic—we no longer stimulate competition, innovation, and growth. (I remember when you had to be invited into airline clubs, but then a lawsuit made sure that you only had to write a check—which makes most of them too crowded and ineffective for work or relaxation. Now I have to watch bores clip their toenails and shout into cell phones.) What’s next? Does everyone have the right to first class travel, a Mercedes, private schools, and a yacht? Apparently, everyone has the right to their own reality show, since I’ve never heard of most of those people and they have no discernable talent.

Perhaps the opportunity to fly over oceans or across the country in relatively little time, in safety and comparative comfort, is a blessing in itself? Or is the lure behind those curtains up front an irresistible outrage because you’re not the one sipping champagne?

Everyone deserves an equal start and a level playing field, and where those don’t exist, protests are on target, though too often ignored or blunted (the sad state of inner city public education at primary and secondary levels being just one example that is undermining the country). But no one is guaranteed an equal finish or reward, deluded attempts to “foster” self-esteem notwithstanding.

The rewards seem to me to be a question of the pursuit of the American Dream, and that’s always been about work and talent, winning and not whining.

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

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Can You Hear Me Now?

I entered a coffee shop after my workout this morning and a very young, petit woman was on the job. She had on a tee-shirt with a single word emblazoned: “Seniors.” I asked for two iced coffees, with two sweeteners and cream.

She held up different sized cups in each hand and said, “Which size?”

“The one in your left hand,” I said. She promptly put that one away and used the cup in her right hand. I am not making this up. I watched her prepare the iced coffees and noticed there was no cream, yet she filled them to the brim. She made two trips for the sweetener, instead of getting them all at one time.

“You forgot the cream,” I pointed out, and she said, “Right.” Instead of pouring some of the coffee out to make room, she topped them off to overflowing with some cream, mixed them, and put the covers on.

I asked if she were, indeed, a senior. She said she was, and I asked which of the local high schools she attended. “Oh, no,” she corrected, “I’m a senior at the University of Rhode Island.”

“What are you studying?”

“Secondary education.”

(I couple this with a guidance counselor I saw recently in another state at her retirement dinner, giving the middle finger as part of her speech in critique of the state governor. Sometimes I’m so repulsed that I’m stunned.)

The senior is a nice kid and any of us can have a bad day, including me. But I began thinking about the primary and secondary school mess in the US in terms of providing universally high quality education, the frequent impasses between teacher unions and boards of education, and the woeful inability of too many kids to gain employable skills.

Every business today is a communications business. The Internet hasn’t changed that, it’s exacerbated the need. Every organization needs customers or clients or members, and they need to market, sell, service, and repair.

I’ve been consulting and coaching since the 70s, for some of he largest entities in the world, boutique firms, and individuals. I’ve been to 59 countries and written 45 books. I tell you this because I have a pretty fair frame of reference.

To succeed, we need four basic communications competencies:

  1. Read with comprehension. We need to be able to read a newspaper column, a blog post, or a book and understand the author’s intent, apply it to our situations, and relate varied ideas to each other. Speed reading is senseless unless it includes speed comprehension. I’ll take slower reading and greater comprehension any day.
  2. Write with expression. We should be able to use metaphors, analogies, and examples to help others quickly understand what we’re conveying in our email and business correspondence, and convince them of our worth and intent. This is a matter of building vocabulary and practicing writing. (And if you don’t teach kids cursive writing, how do they read their families’ correspondence, historical documents, write personal “thank you” or sympathy letters, and so on? If the power fails and keyboards are useless, are we then rendered inarticulate?)
  3. Speak with influence. We ought to address a meeting, a conference, or merely other parties with appropriate language and examples. We don’t (believe me) need to be “motivational speakers,” but we should be able to make our points without stammering or using “you know” as an adjective. The too-frequent resort to mere obscenity among many comedians is simply a demonstration of lack of wit and talent (which you can also see on Facebook and YouTube among those who curse instead of think).
  4. Listen with discernment. We’re all so eager to talk, that we don’t adequately listen. We want our Warholian 15 minutes, but we want it every hour. We hear a cacophony in ongoing stimuli, but don’t listen for intelligence or knowledge. Listening is a skill, but apparently there is insufficient instant gratification for those who just want to talk. Take the blue, blinking metal out of your ear and try listening for a change.

Read, write, speak, listen: In this environment, they are the fundamentals for success, the advantage over the competition. More than ever, we are a communicating society. The question is, who’s making sense?

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

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Incredibly, and Mercifully, Brief Conversations

Other Person: I’m a psychic. How should I explain this to my prospects?

Me: Well, I wouldn’t lead with your methodology.

OP: You are sending out subliminal messages about me in your Tweets.

ME: I have no reason for doing such a thing.

OP: You know you’re doing it, you’re just not aware of it.

OP: What happens if you die tomorrow?

ME: According to the church or my enemies?

ME: Buyers can make decisions and spend money.

OP: I’m a buyer and can make decisions, but I need approval.

ME: From whom?

OP: My boss, who actually controls the budget.

ME: Then you’re not the buyer.

OP: YES I AM!!

OP: If you are willing to help me with my inheritance, and remove it from       Nigeria, I will give you half of it.

ME: Happy to help, please send a $25,000 deposit.

OP: Can you send me one of your books to read? If it helps me, I’ll send         the money, otherwise I’ll return it.

ME: Is that how you deal with Barnes & Noble?

OP: I never saw your article. Well, I must have sent it in as backup. The        publisher made a          mistake and published your article with my         name on it.

ME: Really?

OP: You’re a consultant? So you’re between jobs?!

ME: I’ve been “between jobs” for 25 years and am in the top one percent         of all earners. How about you?

OP: I’d like to join your mentor program. I plan to become a multi-        millionaire in two years with revolutionary training programs for        HR departments.

ME: Let me tell you right now that’s not going to happen.

OP: Is this the way we work together? You tell me I’m wrong because you       think you’re smarter than I am?

ME: No, because we’re not working together.

OP: I couldn’t get anything out of your book, there were seven typos.

ME: No, there are actually twelve.

OP: When you stood still on stage I could understand your point, but    when you walked around, I couldn’t follow you at all. Do you know        what that’s called?

ME: Yes, a learning disability.

OP: Why won’t you believe I’m a psychic?

ME: Why do you have to ask?

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

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Are You Motivated Yet?

There was an hilarious send-up of a motivational speaker on the final episode of Dexter Season 5 which we recently watched on Apple TV. He was smarmy, duplicitous, hypocritical, and received his just reward from his final audience.

All speakers today had better be “motivational,” in that they should be enthusiastic, interesting, articulate, and confident. But they had better have solid content which enables the audience to improve their performance or all the enthusiasm in the world isn’t going to keep them from their iPhones.

Silly affirmations such as “You’re your own best friend,” and “They can knock you down but they can’t knock you out,” and “Find yourself before you search for others” are insipid beyond merely meaningless. The rallies that are often staged where some former military officers, an astronaut or two, some ancient “motivators,” and a few others are dragged out on stage in order to sell the products in the back of the room are worse than a circus, where at least some of the acts are memorable.

People need pragmatic skills, not vapid oratory. It’s important to arouse people and even entertain them, so long as it’s in support of building their capabilities. But I’ve never seen anyone trod over hot coals to get to the office cafeteria or rappel down the side of the building to leave work at the end of the day. I did see not long ago a group of financial managers in 100° heat on a beach extraordinarily uncomfortable while racing to build sand castles under the supervision of a “motivational coach.”

Even the seagulls were laughing.

The guy on Dexter, a perfect synthesis of a half-dozen gurus, manipulated and schemed and felt everyone who paid to hear him was a pathetic loser. He was personally vile, but his acolytes chose not to see.

There are worse experiences, apparently, than seeing these people on stage, however—such as seeing them in sweat lodge.

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

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Just A Little Batty

I am not making this up.

Associated Press is reporting a bat—Chiroptera, not Louisville Slugger—on a Delta Connection jet out of Wisconsin bound for Atlanta. After a couple of cabin laps at 30,000 feet, the plane turned around and sought shelter in Wisconsin once again.

Passengers cornered the bat in the lavatory, but when authorities entered the abandoned aircraft, they found nothing. However, witnesses testified that a bat (presumably the same one, but who’s to know) flew….wait for it….down the jetway and then through the terminal!

I’m assuming it was looking for a better connection to Atlanta.

On top of that, if there is a top to that, health officials want to talk to all 30 or so passengers to ensure there was no danger of rabies infection, but Delta could only identify the five passengers who reboarded, since the others were shifted to different airlines. With all of our security and identification measures in place, Delta could not tell United States health authorities who was on their plane once they had left it!

Did I tell you I am not making this up?

I remember going through security in Atlanta once, where an extremely obnoxious and unpleasant TSA woman, wearing latex gloves and a large breathing mask, made demands in heavily accented English about where to put my ID and my boarding pass. It was humiliating to have to be ordered around by her, followed, of course, by removing my shoes and belt, and suffering through the detestable “you’re a criminal until proved innocent” frisking.

Yet with all this security, heavy weapons, dogs smarter than most college freshmen, automated warnings, hardware, and admonitions to be on the watch for anything out of the ordinary, a nocturnal creature with bizarre aerodynamics entered an airport, boarded a plane, hid during takeoff, flew around at altitude, eluded capture, hid again, disembarked, and escaped through the airport. (In case you’re wondering, a cell phone video scrupulously studied by authorities confirms it was a bat, not a nuthatch or a seagull, although that would hardly be less alarming.)

If you can’t keep a bat out of a plane, and can’t find it once it forces the plane to land, and can’t identify the passengers who fled, then tell me again about why I need to take out my lap top and carry only three ounces of any one liquid?

I’m looking forward to my next trip. Perhaps I’ll have an alligator or an eagle sitting next to me and I’ll finally get some prompt service from the flight attendants.

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

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If This Is Leadership, I’m Not Following

What do airlines, banks, newspapers, speakers bureaus, and publishers all have in common? (This is not a joke, but I wish it were.)

They run their businesses horribly and try to atone for it by gouging the customer, vender, or supplier.

Book publishing, with rare exception, has failed to appreciate, much less leverage, the advent of electronic media. So what do conventional publishers do? They demand that authors buy copies of their own books to reduce the cost of the press run. They refuse to promote books actively, demanding that the author do so. They invest money in promotion with authors who don’t need it (Tom Clancy, Danielle Steele) and don’t invest in new and promising works. They hire such young and inexperienced people to save a dollar, that one permissions editor once told me that she wouldn’t approve production until I had written permission submitted for quotes from Oscar Wilde. The question is no longer, “Where did you go to school?” but “Did you go to school and were you awake the entire time?”

Speakers bureaus, traditional “middlemen” dealing with other “middlemen” (meeting planners, trainers, human resource people) have traditionally received about 25 percent of speaking fees from the speaker, supposedly in return for marketing that speaker. Today, many have raised their rates to 30 percent while reducing their marketing and, instead, charging the speaker. Many bureaus now charge to “evaluate” demo videos, place people in prime spots in a catalog, include people in “showcases” (cattle calls), critique promotional material and so on. Excuse me, but aren’t you supposed to be marketing me for my 25 percent fee?

One bureau, the most unethical I’ve ever seen, actually tried to charge me 30 percent when I beat out a speaker they had nominated to speak at Toyota. I was in their catalog, but they promoted someone else, I still got the job, and they wanted a third of my earnings!

Airlines which have been led abominably and can’t seem to come up with effective labor relations, fuel management, intelligent route structures, efficient baggage handling, and so on, now charge customers for:  pillows, food, a few inches of leg room, boarding sequence, the attention of a live agent, seat location, changing a reservation, and so on. One considered charging for lavatory use. Why not just fly us all at gunpoint? The “friendly skies” have become a bad neighborhood.

Banks are now charging some customers for deposits, and for simply holding their money. I have seven-figures invested in a bank where I also had some small accounts I had forgotten about. One would have disappeared in a year simply due to the monthly charges! The bank treats me as separate computer numbers, instead of a major, diversified customer. Your “personal banker” today has a hand in your pocket.

Newspapers plaster ads on the front page, often with stickers that obliterate a headline. Try to complain to the Wall Street Journal or New York Times about your subscription. You can’t talk to actual people, but an automated service will “credit you for one day” if your paper wasn’t delivered. Isn’t the point better, more reliable service and not a buck? Newspapers in many cities now charge for obituary notices. When I asked a local editor how he could countenance that, he said, “Oh, Alan, we all do it.” Oh, I guess I had missed that logic.

Why the rant? Because Pogo ought to be in charge here.

Entire industries often suffer from poor leadership, because the same crowd kicks around at the same levels (a guy who ran several airlines, Dick Wolf, including United and USAir, would paint all the planes as soon as the board confirmed him as CEO). The exceptions (Kelleher and Bethune in the airline business) are easy to note because they stand out in dull crowds.

It’s time to stop blaming and squeezing the client, the customer, the supplier, the talent. It’s time to look in the mirror. You might just see a reflection with nothing there.

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

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The $20 Heist

Every day I receive Google Alerts about my name, trademarks, and so forth. It’s nice to see where I’m quoted or where something I’ve written or recorded has spread.

However, once a week or more, I receive notice that some of my intellectual property is being offered by one of the rip-off sites. They operate under names (I’ll make them up) such as Windfall or Crypt or Access. They post the kind of notices that are supposed to make you wink and say “Joe sent me”: “We are not endorsing the breaking of the law, and you are downloading what is posted here by your own decision. If you find any material here improperly offered just notify us and we’ll remove it.”

Yes, and if you complain to the division of motor vehicles, they’ll move the lines more quickly.

Basically, people take a book or recording and upload it to the site where it’s offered for free and widely advertised (hence, my Google Alerts) to attract people to the paid advertising on the site. All types of proprietary, copyrighted, trademarked, intellectual property is, hence, ripped off and provided for free, from a wide assortment of authors and originators.

The truly astounding aspect (just spell my name correctly) is that the denizens who post and download boast about it, like kids hiding behind a garage dashing out to rob parking meters. A typical comment: “I was finally able to obtain this combination printed and audio work which I’m proud to contribute here to my colleagues in The Gutter.”

Here’s my quandary: If you want to make it in the consulting, coaching, or related professional services areas—offering services of value to corporations and individuals—how do you justify learning how to do that by stealing others’ works? How do you base your business of service on unethical and illegal acts? Behaviors don’t change. Aren’t you going to rip off the client (or the restaurant or the hotel) as well?

I even have a good idea about who some of the thieves are—apparently some folks who are angry with me and are retaliating in the only way they know how. They’re angry because they’re non-successful. So they steal things. Could there be a connection there?

I guess I’m innocently surprised that the major publishers don’t crack down on these sites (occasionally an attorney’s letter removes some of the material for a while) and/or that there’s no greater outrage on the web. But then I realized that these are very minor people engaged in very trivial work.

If they get their kicks out of stealing others’ material and bragging about it in order to save the $20 the original work cost at retail, there’s not much to do but feel sorry for them.

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

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Why You Can’t Get Fat on Water

I’m at Caesar’s Palace in Atlantic City, where we’ve holed up in order to see Huey Lewis and the News at the Flamingo tonight (3rd row, center). Tomorrow we move on to Cape May for a week.

The hotel generously provides bottled water in the room, and I’m glancing at mine right now. It tells me there are 10 fluid ounces, and also 296 ml. I don’t know why we need to know the metric equivalent, but it gets even stranger.

On the rear of the label I actually have “Nutrition Facts.” It tells me there is one serving per container, which provides the following “daily values”:

Calories: 0

Total Fat: 0%

Sodium: 0%

Total Carbohydrates: 0%

Protein: 0%

All of this is based on a 2,000 caloric daily intake.

In other words, it’s just water. That’s all. But it’s important to have people get the labeling straight, and I do have a consumer information number I can call listed on the label. I guess those people are there waiting at the other end of the phone line in case I need someone to describe the color, or whether it’s liquid, or if it’s bio-degradable.

I just turned to my left, and I’m staring at the Atlantic. There are quite a few people out there, and I’m thinking they’re daredevils. That water isn’t labeled.

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

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I’ll Stop Being A Victim Once Everyone Corrects All My Errors

I get some nutty requests and some innocent misunderstandings in my mail, but sometimes I simply receive unbridled self-absorption.

I guy writes me this morning and says that he purchased on of my books on Amazon.com as an electronic download for his Android, but he can’t read all the charts and graphs clearly on such a small screen, so would I send him all the charts and graphs in the book by return email?!

I pointed out that he engaged in a transaction with McGraw-Hill through Amazon, not with me, and that he chose the particular platform on which to read the book, not I. It would take all of $16 or so to purchase the book and get the charts in context. But, no, I should take $2,000 of my time to make it right for him.

He wrote back and told me I violated my own values, that I’m claiming it’s not my fault and he should fix it himself. He said there’s no reason why I can’t send him the 20 or more graphics. Yet it is his fault and I’m not going to fix it. Imagine if one one-hundreth of my readers started making such requests on a daily basis?

This is symptomatic of people who are so self-absorbed that they’re about to shrink into a tiny cube of self-importance. I have millions of readers at this point, worldwide, and I’m sitting here running a seven-figure, global business. Yet because he made bad choices, I’m supposed to fix things for him, stop my day, pat his head.

Folks, if you have to cry out for free help with something this abysmally silly, you ought to go back to day care, where there’s a much more appropriate peer group.

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

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You Can’t Make This Stuff Up…

Recent email and phone messages:

• You haven’t sent me the download of the teleconference yet, and I paid yesterday. (The teleconference wasn’t for another month.)

• You need to call me. There’s a charge on my credit card statement from your company. I dimly remember registering for something, but I don’t know what it was, and I have to get it in my calendar.

• Please send me the free copy of your booklet mentioned in your book. (No address was provided.)

• There’s a typo on page 173 which you ought to be changed immediately.

• Your book (written four years ago) doesn’t contain this technology (introduced two months ago). I’m giving you a lousy review on Amazon.com.

• Send me the book for free, and if I like it, I’ll pay for it; if not, I’ll return it in good condition. (Me: Does Barnes & Noble let you do that?)

• I’d love to go to that seminar but my cousin is getting married. Can you possibly change the date. (Me: Tell your cousin to change the date.)

• I’ve called you six times about car insurance and you’ve never responded. (Me: Maybe because I’m not the car insurance agency.)

• I’ll sell your products in Brazil if you fund my 49,000-euro educational expenses in London. You’ll make twice your money back. Just teach me how to sell them. And translate them into Portuguese.

• Can I take my dog to your program? He doesn’t bark and only bites sometimes.

• How much different is this program going to be? (Me: Very.)

• What will it take to get you to come to North Dakota? (Me: Michelle Pfeiffer inviting me.)

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

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