Category Archives: DASM

First Stones

The shaving cream pie thrower invading the Murdoch questioning could easily have had more lethal intent (at which point I’d guess Mrs. Murdoch would have pulled out her uzi). Did the members of Parliament hold themselves responsible for this gaffe? Was it the fault of the head of the police assigned to the inquiry? Was it the Prime Minister’s fault? Is it the Queen’s fault, since she heads the empire?

Of course not. Then how is it that they expect Murdoch or his (extremely underwhelming) son to be cognizant of and responsible for some employees within his own empire hacking phones?

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Now They Spam Dogs

There are scams and spam all over the Internet, but some are so stupid that you have to wonder if people are spilling things on themselves as they type. Here’s something just received from some outfit called Blackhat SEO actually addressed to a Beagle:

DO NOT REPLY TO THIS EMAIL!
***************************
Dear BuddyBeagle,
You have received a new private message at Make Money Online – Blackhat Seo & White Hat Affiliate Marketing from Doc, entitled “MMD Announcement *Great News*”.
To read the original version, respond to, or delete this message, you must log in here:

Some character named “Doc” goes on to thank Buddy for helping make his firm so successful. Unless this guy is the tree where Buddy prefers to pee, I doubt he’s been of much help….

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Why You Can’t Get Fat on Water

I’m at Caesar’s Palace in Atlantic City, where we’ve holed up in order to see Huey Lewis and the News at the Flamingo tonight (3rd row, center). Tomorrow we move on to Cape May for a week.

The hotel generously provides bottled water in the room, and I’m glancing at mine right now. It tells me there are 10 fluid ounces, and also 296 ml. I don’t know why we need to know the metric equivalent, but it gets even stranger.

On the rear of the label I actually have “Nutrition Facts.” It tells me there is one serving per container, which provides the following “daily values”:

Calories: 0

Total Fat: 0%

Sodium: 0%

Total Carbohydrates: 0%

Protein: 0%

All of this is based on a 2,000 caloric daily intake.

In other words, it’s just water. That’s all. But it’s important to have people get the labeling straight, and I do have a consumer information number I can call listed on the label. I guess those people are there waiting at the other end of the phone line in case I need someone to describe the color, or whether it’s liquid, or if it’s bio-degradable.

I just turned to my left, and I’m staring at the Atlantic. There are quite a few people out there, and I’m thinking they’re daredevils. That water isn’t labeled.

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

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Let Me Fit You Into Our Grid (Dumb-Ass Stupid Management)

Here’s a request from a reporter that appeared today in my inbox:

“I am seeking HR professionals at organizations who are using the ’9-box grid’ method to assess employee potential and manage their development. The article will cover what the tool is, how it is used, advantages/disadvantages, and anecdotes from organizations using the tool. I am interested in arranging an interview in the next two weeks.

How would you like your performance to be reduced to a “nine box grid,” to make it easier to label you and categorize you? Wouldn’t it be helpful to know those folks behind the green curtain are passing judgment and assessing development need by stowing you as a person in the equivalent of a sock drawer?

But, don’t listen to me. I’m an INTJ, semi-mature, LOW K, expressive-reductive, upper left brain, quasi-romantic, GREEN. What can you expect from me? I’m probably in Grid 10.

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Posted in DASM, In Case You Were Wondering What I Was Thinking | 13 Comments

Adventures in the Publishing Trade

Since I published my first book in 1988 (The Innovation Formula) the publishing industry has declined in terms of innovation, talent, and risk-taking. Today it’s gasping and wheezing. Herein, some of my more unusual—or maybe usual—experiences in the “glamorous” world of commercial pubishing.

• A permissions editor told me she was holding up production because all of my permissions (to use quotes of others) were not submitted.

“I always do that thoroughly,” I told her, “you’re wrong.”

“Well, then how is it you’ve quoted the same man twice and there isn’t a single permission filed?”

“Who it it?”

“Oscar Wilde.”

When I told the editor-in-chief for business books, he said, “Please tell me you made this up.”

• A developmental editor removed 13 words which she said I simply made up. “There are no such words,” she haughtily informed me, having made her Internet or  spell-check searches. (Sample: chtonian.)

I sent here 13 copied pages from Webster’s Unabridged. I’m guessing she wasn’t exactly a graduate of the Newhouse School of Journalism at Syracuse.

• A woman writes me to tell me I have an outdated technical reference in Million Dollar Consulting® Toolkit, which had been released about 60 days prior.  “You’re right,” I confirmed, “that site has since changed.”

“Well shouldn’t you fix this?!” she demanded.

“Do you want me to track down all the books and correct it by hand?” I replied.

As a result, she did a review on Amazon and gave a one-star rating.

• A man called to tell me that there were a dozen typos in Our Emperors Have No Clothes, and this ruined the content for him. I pointed out that I really didn’t care and he needed professional help with that level of anal-retention, and hung up while he was still sputtering.

• I got my first and only agent, Jeff Herman, based on a small paragraph in a speaker’s magazine. I had three books with HarperCollins at the time. He took me on and immediately took a disaster of a proposal called Confessions of A Consultant and turned it into the 20-year best-seller Million Dollar Consulting. I thought he had promise.

• A publisher wanted to create jacket art that looked like a scope of a rifle focusing on a target. I had no real veto power, but I raised a hew and cry, finally winning my point when I said, “Let’s go all the way, and have a hunter with a bloody deer carcass on the cover.”

• Inexplicably, Money Talks was translated into long-form Chinese.

• A guy calls—calls—to tell me there are 8 typos in Thrive. I tell him, “No, there are 12,” and hang up. (This is now my standard response.)

• A developmental editor starts every marginal comment on the proofs with “Hmmmm….” and then rewrites my content, as in, “You’re talking about value proposition, so let’s also talk about mission statement since they’re the same thing.” After the third time I told his boss it was him or me, and he was removed.

• The development editor for The Global Consultant argues with Omar Kahn (who’s even more traveled than I) and me about our observations around the world. (For example, he claimed that France had a national highway system to rival that of the U.S. interstates, in which case it must be available only to the French, since I’ve never found it.) We had to have him removed.

• A virulently feminist editor attacked every possible scenario in one of my books, changing pronouns even about actual occurrences to try to create a more feminist viewpoint. I finally had to tell her to go write her own book but stop writing mine or I’d complain to her boss. She shut up.

• A marketing director at a publisher considering a proposal tells me I’m not selling well, cites Million Dollar Coaching as only having sold 485 copies in 1.5 years, when it actually had been out for two weeks and had sold 1,000 copies that we knew of.

• A senior editor who has published a great deal of my consulting stuff turns down a proposal for The Speaking Bible, telling my agent that I wasn’t a speaker and had no credibility there, despite the fact I’m in the Professional Speakers Association Hall of Fame®. In all those years, she had never looked at my bio or my web site. When I pointed this out to her, she stopped speaking to and corresponding with me.

Publishing is undergoing radical changes. Seth Godin has recently announced he’s going direct to his readers, foregoing publishers, in an arrangement with Amazon. He joins other, well-known fiction and  non-fiction authors in this pursuit.

If you’re in the publishing industry—or any business—don’t hire cheap to save money, because you then have an organization of low-priced incompetence. Don’t treat your resources—your authors—as if they are barely tolerable annoyances, or you’ll have very peaceful abandoned buildings.

But then again, that’s why I earn the big bucks, although apparently not in speaking.

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

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The Ultimately Irrational

This is from one of my Private Roster Mentor Members, Mike Drayton in the UK, and his newsletter, Opus Performance:

A parking firm in Cardiff refused to cancel a parking ticket given to a woman who had stopped to attempt to talk a would be suicide victim from jumping off a bridge. Cathryn James wrote to the company appealing against the ticket, enclosing a letter of comendation from the poice praising he for clinging on to the suicidal woman. However, Excel parking said  there were ‘insufficient reasons’ to waive the ticket, and threatened legal action if she refused to cough up. They have since backed down following a vociferous campaign and adverse publicity.

Alan’s reaction: Bureaucracies stress means over ends, and rules over reason. You can’t use rational arguments against the basically irrational.

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World Class Stupid Advice

I’ve actually been told the following by “coaches” and “experts” and “gurus” over the years. They really require little explanation, except to ignore the advice completely.

• Get the audience involved by asking them to raise their hands (e.g., “How many of you have been to Pittsburgh?”). Sure, if your audience comprises six-year-olds.

• Use a workbook with empty spaces for the audience to complete (e.g., “Always be __________ when stating ideas”). Sure, if your audience comprises five-year-olds. (The correct answer is “dressed like a clown.”)

• Raise prices when demand exceeds supply. Right, if you like working all day, every day.

• Consultants are hired hands who should do whatever the client requests. Do you draw the line at changing the oil and washing the windows?

• Accelerated learning can reduce your information gathering by half. Yes, and reduce comprehension to zero.

• When you move about on the stage, I can’t focus on your points, so you need to plant yourself for people. Only if they, like you, have a learning disability that prevents you from learning from moving people.

• Replicate the movements and speech nuances of the prospect to gain acceptance. Or to gain entry into an asylum or hospital when you’re thrown out the window.

• You never break confidentiality with a client’s employee, no matter what. Great, I hope you never encounter one who wants to kill the boss or rob the warehouse.

• If you have a speech, you have a book. Of course, but an excruciatingly short book.

• To get your nerves under control, picture the audience sitting there naked. And how do you suspect they’re thinking of you standing up there?

• Always dress-down and dumb-down your language for clients, so as not to show them up. Only if you want stupid, poorly dressed clients.

• Never blow your own horn. Then get used to the silence.

© Alan Weiss 2010. All rights reserved.

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Dumb-Ass, Stupid Management

You cannot make this up. Two case studies.

Last night, with the Patriots playing like the St. Agnes School for Girls and being pummeled by the Jets, and the Giants beaten so badly by the Colts that someone should have used the Little League mercy rule, my wife and I decided we needed ribs. So off we went to Smokey Bones, a very good local rib joint, complete with loud  noise and cheap drinks and amazing ribs.

Since we were able to park immediately in front of the place and there was no loitering crowd, I knew they weren’t packed. The hostess greets us and asks, “Would you like to sit at one of the high top tables?” I hate these, they are uncomfortable and in a lousy area. “No, I would not,” I reply.

“Are you sure?” she presses.

“Yes, I am,” I tell her.

She then confers with a colleague over tables on her chart, while I point out three empty booths right over her shoulder. “Don’t worry, we’ll find a booth,” she says, continuing the weegie board maneuvers on her seating chart.

When the assistant takes us to the back of the restaurant, I’m amazed to find 20 available booths.

“What was the big deal with the high tops?” I asked.

“Well, no one likes to sit there, so we try to convince people to use them.”

I am NOT making that up. That’s what she said.

“In other words,” I pointed out, “I’m such an unimportant customer, and you care so little about me and my returning here, that you deliberately try to seat me in your worst seats, not your best seats?”

“You got a booth, didn’t you?” she asked.

I wonder if we’re getting the inferior ribs, or the ones that dropped on the floor, or were suspected to harbor Mad Cow disease? Can management get any dumber?

Maybe so.

This morning, on line at the Dunkin Donuts drive-through, my wife spots her favorite, pumpkin coffee, which they only offer this time of year (which is itself pretty stupid, since it’s hugely popular). I order one for her with two sweeteners and cream. But as we pull away from the tinny mike, she sees a sign, “Pumpkin coffee is pre-sweetened.”

“Find out what’s in it,” she said.

At the window, I engaged in the following conversation with a woman in a nice Dunkin uniform and visor, and this is the actual conversation, so help me Abbot and Costello. (If you can, play Sinatra’s “They Got a Lot of Coffee in Brazil” in the background.)

ME: Did you put sweetener in the coffee already pre-sweetened?

HER: Yes, you asked for it.

ME: But you didn’t say it was already sweetened.

HER: You didn’t ask.

ME: What is it pre-sweetened with?

HER: Pumpkin.

ME: No, no—what’s in it?

HER: Pumpkin.

ME: Is the Pumpkin coffee pre-sweetened?

HER: Yes.

ME: WITH WHAT?

HER: Pumpkin.

ME: Is there a sweetener within the pumpkin coffee when you pour it?

HER: Yes.

ME: And what is that? Sugar? Sweet n Low?

HER: Pumpkin.

At this point my wife says, completely audibly, “Oh, dear God, the poor thing.”

ME: Are you telling me that it’s the natural sugars that are found in pumpkins?

HER: It’s pumpkin.

ME: But if it’s the pumpkin itself, then it’s naturally sweetened, not pre-sweetened?

HER: It’s not naturally sweetened, it’s pre-sweetened.

ME: With pumpkin, right?

MY WIFE: Take the coffee and let’s go.

HER: Have a nice day.

© Alan Weiss 2010. All rights reserved.

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Fat Bagels Is No More

I wrote here a while back of the terrible service in a local coffee shop, Fat Bagels, in the midst of huge competition on Main Street. It’s been pretty much devoid of customers and is now officially closed. Another is apparently opening in its place.

Perhaps they’ll run it as a business, not a hobby, and realize you need employees who understand they’re there for the customers, not vice versa. I can still picture their surly employee working on his cell phone instead of the business.

Consulting practices aren’t very different. Be attentive to clients, don’t mess up the order, and at least pretend you’re enthusiastic about the work!

© Alan Weiss 2010. All rights reserved.

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Ellen Dances Off

As stated here at the beginning of the season, Ellen DeGeneres acted as uncomfortably as she looked as a judge on American Idol, and she’s just announced she won’t be back (leaving several million on the table contractually). It was dumb to offer the job to her, and dumb of her to accept it.

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