Among the Phrases I Loathe

Among the phases I’ve come to loathe: • Your call is very important to us. • Please listen because our options have changed. • Press “one” for English. • One of our service experts will be with you shortly. • We can’t take your call right now but we will get back to you within two business days. • Please enter your serial and model number. • ….or wherever your final destination may be. • We are now on our …


The Disadvantages of No Traffic

l went to a movie theater last night (to see the latest iteration of A Star Is Born, which was terrific—I’m a big Lady Gaga fan) which was my first such visit in over two years. I found the local multi-screen complex now serves hot food and liquor with a large bar. There are 12 auditoriums. Our film, a hot, new release, was at 6:40 on a Friday. The lot holds thousands of cars but it was only twenty percent …



Great Moments In Advertising

Some time ago, a beautiful super model was on a morning talk show hawking a cosmetic line. She mentioned “foundation” which I’m thinking is a sort of base covering, and said, “Of course, I, personally, don’t need foundation.” At that point my wife threw a bag of potato chips at the television and both dogs and I hastily left the room concerned about further fallout. I’m sure the model’s effectiveness plummeted at that juncture. But it reminded me of a …


I’m Almost Ashamed to Admit It, But…

  When I pet my dogs and they violently shake when I’m done, as though they have a haircut from Frédéric Fekkai that I’ve messed up, I take offense. The next time someone tells me a golfing story without inquiring as to whether I give a rap about the game, I’m going to yawn at the punch line. I would love to have a TSA job for one day to see what’s in a lot of that luggage. I have …


It’s Not Where You Start, It’s Where You Finish

My son often tries to remind me that, “You and mom don’t live in the real world” because of my success and our lifestyle. And I’m fond of reminding him that I lived in the “real world” for a very long time, and think about it every day, because it makes me appreciate what I’ve been able to accomplish every day. This ain’t my daddy’s money. It’s not surprising what discipline, hard work, and talent can accomplish. My high school sweetheart/wife …


In Case You Were Wondering What I Was Thinking…

  I used to think anyone with a baseball cap on backwards who was over 16 years of age looked idiotic. I was wrong, and I apologize. Anyone over 6 years of age looks idiotic. When I see someone covered in tattoos, piercings, and strangely colored hair, somehow I don’t associate them with a new hire for my company or as a choice for my financial analyst. If you want to see an extraordinarily aging demographic, take a look at …


While I Have the Microphone, Let Me Tell You What to Believe

I was at an awards ceremony last night that was very well done, four people honored for their contributions to the arts, one of whom is a well-known television actor. Her sister, who’s a local teacher, introduced her (which is how, I imagine, she was chosen for the honor—the local connection). In doing so, she took the liberty of a captive audience to broadcast her political opinions. It’s not a question of agreeing or disagreeing with her position, it’s a …


Enter Title Here

On the TV show Downton Abbey, one of the earl’s nephews wants to let his butler go because he feels the role is unnecessary and demeaning. The earl asks him, “Why would you want to deprive someone of a job they take pride in and are quite good at?” At my favorite restaurants, the managers call me “Dr. Weiss” or “Mr. Weiss,” and the bartenders call me “Alan.” I once thought that was odd, but now I get it, and …