Category Archives: In Case You Were Wondering What I Was Thinking

In Case You Were Wondering What I Was Thinking

• I bank at Citizens Bank, owned by Royal Bank of Scotland, which is number 100 on the Global 500 (formerly #55 before it became entangled in a financial morass). It has nearly 150,000 employees, presumably some of whom are very smart, just considering the odds. Yet when I sent a wire transfer to Australia today to pay a commission, I had to show up at the branch in person. The assistant branch manager had to take his time to make the proper inputs on his computer—about 10 minutes—AND THEN had to call the “international room” and tell them EXACTLY what he had already input, spelling all the names, costing another 10 minutes. A sign nearby assured me that my accounts were insured by the FDIC to “at least $250,000.” Suddenly, that doesn’t seem like enough. Is anyone out there still wondering why banks are in trouble?

• I like Amex. I’m a very significant customer, and first became a “member” in 1972. But on one of my cards, they did something completely inappropriate, and my reasoning escaped everyone to whom I spoke, including supervisors. “Okay,” I said, “I’m paying off the entire balance on this card in January, cancelling the card, and calling your executive offices on Monday to them why.” Before the day was out on Sunday, I received a call on my home phone, asking if I might delay any actions until Tuesday. “Sure,” I said. Tuesday morning, that same manager called back with a complete resolution along the lines I had suggested. When I asked, kidding, for her home number when she inquired if I needed anything else, she did give me her personal direct line. If organizations empowered people at the front line, we all could have saved the time.

• Visa has this ridiculous offering of a “black card” directly derivative of the Amex quite impressive black card (officially:  Centurion Card, and it is made of titanium, and it’s sort of like a credit card Bentley). The Visa version is plastic (they claim it has carbon in it!), comes with low limits, and has a very amateur service and staffing backup. If you can’t be more original than that, maybe you’re better off with your money in Citizens Bank.

▪   Barbara Walters, in a shocking display of cluelessness, named these people the “most fascinating of 2011”: Steve Jobs, Simon Cowell, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Eric Stonestreet, Derek Jeter, Donald Trump, Katy Perry, Pippa Middleton, Amanda Knox, Herman Cain, and the Kardashian family. The woman obviously leads a sheltered life. The only fascinating person here is Steve Jobs, not one other person deserves to be on any list he’s on, and he’s deceased! (Some of you will have to Google at least a couple of these folks. Donald Trump is about as fascinating as a used car sales person, but not as likeable.)

• TED (http://www.ted.com/) is an excellent example of a brand diluting itself through careless overexpansion. The quality of the presenters has diminished, and the “regional” conference videos are often embarrassing. Recently, I watched the first couple of minutes of poor camera angles on a guy with a microphone in one hand writing on an easel with his other hand, telling us he’s found the secret of the great innovators: “what, why, and how.” His visual was three circles. That’s a long stretch from brilliant people like Dan Gilbert talking about synthetic happiness (who first attracted me to the site). When I posted a comment critiquing a speaker’s content and delivery, it was removed and I was told, “We don’t allow criticisms of our speakers.” Oh, I thought this was supposed to be an intellectually stimulating place, not a self-defensive one.

• Holiday Trees. Really?

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

• I’ve flown on four American Airlines flights since the declared bankruptcy, and the service has been excellent—I gave out four of my recognition certificates (American provides these to reward high service standards). The Admiral’s Club managers, baggage handlers, red caps, gate agents, flight crew—all great. Maybe bankruptcy is the permanent way to go….

• If “get rich quick” schemes were valid (in real estate, rare stamps, or multi-level marketing) why do the perpetrators have to advertise their wares? Shouldn’t they be wealthy and simply pursuing their interests instead of filming infomercials and sending junk mail?

• Why does it cost more to get on an airplane at the last minute, precisely when they should want to fill the seats before the plane takes off?

• I’d love someone to do an exposé on every media person who is digging up dirt on every public figure they can. Now THAT would be a reality show.

• I tend to shudder whenever some mediocre singers refers to themselves as “artists” and their voices as their “instrument.”

• Alec Baldwin has anger management issues (as does most of his family) that could fill the year of seven psychiatrists. He said he was leaving the country if George W. Bush was elected, but from what I can see, he’s still here. This latest bit on the airplane with his electronic game is most revealing about this: He revels in excoriating working class people—flight attendants, coffee shop servers, and the like, who make a fraction of his bloated income. He’s a huge bully, and almost all bullies are driven by a deep sense of inferiority and insecurity (trying to drag you down to their own perceived level of inadequacy). Someone ought to ask this guy to step outside during the flight.

• The demise of the euro began as soon as the UK was allowed in the community but excepted from using the common currency. The euro will not be here a year from now in its current form.

• I actually heard someone the other day, in a frenzy of excruciating political correctness, declare she was “child free.” Does that mean I’m “child burdened”? (If everyone were “child free” we wouldn’t have to worry about the economic future, because in another generation only the insects would be here to worry about it.)

• My nomination for the most boring professional sport is now NBA basketball, where everyone is playing for themselves, common violations such as walking and carrying the ball are never called, and watching a bunch of giant guys elbowing around the basket makes croquet seem more thrilling.

• My car dealer just delivered my car back to my home after a routine servicing. Yet the only food I can get delivered is Italian or Chinese. Why don’t restaurants band together, form a common delivery service, and provide more options? They do it in New York, but then again, they’re probably afraid not to there.

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

We seem to have a morbid fascination about confusing celebrity with character. We watch “reality” shows which are scripted, reshot, edited, and manipulated. We’ve turned Andy Warhol’s 15 minutes into 15 months. Functionally illiterate people—from “housewives” and Jersey Shore to the revolting people’s courts and survival shows—have become objects of interest dissected in banal “entertainment” shows. As Betty White (I think) commented on one of the ubiquitous “roasts” on a cable channel, “Someone hit me in the face so I can see some real stars.”

Now we have Donald Trump hosting a Republican debate (or trying to, it’s tough to debate when only one person shows up). Mr. Trump’s credentials include investment deals (many of which lost other people’s money), some bankruptcies, a threatened presidential campaign, and hosting one of those reality shows in which you quickly come to hate every single, narcissistic participant.

How is it that a major party tends to move toward candidates who seem to want to debate whether the earth is flat and how many angels can dance on the head of a pin? I can understand martial affairs and ethical lapses—we’re all human, and some of our greatest, legitimate heroes have had their own peccadillos exposed. But shouldn’t they know about, say, world affairs, issues before Congress, and what the euro is doing?

The approaching election is one of the most important in recent history. Respectfully, shouldn’t we be capable of finding wonderful candidates who challenge us to choose among the best of the best, rather than media peculiarities who seem to think they’re in a reality show?

This isn’t a show. This is the reality of our future. Perhaps we should treat it that way.

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

• A few years ago, the US was a confident place asserting global influence. Now, it’s lost confidence and is questioning itself. We ought to stop electing politicians, and find some statesmen. They must be hiding somewhere.

• The Bob Newhart therapy skit on YouTube about “Stop it!” now seems like deep, insightful, effective advice to most ills.

• The new Global Entry System for rapid transit of immigration and customs works extremely well. A government initiative nicely done.

• People calling in to radio talk shows who have terrible grammar, can’t recall which countries in Europe are in trouble, have voted for patronage-providing hacks, and think that the wealthy ought to be knocked around instead of trying to improve themselves—are the loudest complainers about immigrants threatening what the country stands for. Irony, anyone?

• Here’s the kind of “reality show” I would watch: Every politician who’s made a promise, and every stock “expert” who’s made a prediction, and every “meteorologist” who’s made a forecast, explaining their errors, omissions, and bumbles.

• If anyone can cite me anything remotely interesting about any of the ubiquitous Kardashians, from mother to children, it will be the first time I’ve heard it. Are our lives so empty that banality is considered substance?

• In my recent travels in America, the UK, France, Italy, and Australia, all of which are enduring some kind of hardships at the moment, the distinction for me are the Italians, who retain a zest for life and seem happier. I’m just saying….

• Imagine spending major portions of your life ripping-off published books to post them for free downloads on the web, and accessing such downloads to save $16 on Amazon? What kind of moral compass is spinning so crazily that this kind of pond scum believes it will walk erect some day?

• The truth is usually best, ethically and philosophically, but always best pragmatically: You don’t have to remember the details of the lies.

• I don’t care where you are, or how long you’re there, or why you went, or what your thought for the day is. I’d just like to leave a message on your voice mail before I grow old.

• Tell me something in the first 60 seconds that represents an improvement that’s attractive to me, and I’ll likely listen to what else you have to say.

• Hoarding intellectual property because you’re afraid of theft is like saving money under your mattress. You know it’s there but it’s not doing you any good. If you think everyone else is a thief, you’ll live your life in fear. And if you think all of your ideas are unprecedented and too valuable to risk, you’ll live your life in delusion.

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

• Why do airlines charge more at the last minute when they should want to fill empty seats, and less far in advance, when they’re giving people more choice and options?

• Hotels are more frequently using independent audio/video companies, which are separate profit centers, so you’re dealing with more expense and less flexibility. I was recently cited a charge of $25 “to connect your music to our sound system.”

• Seriously, your mattress is looking better and better as a depository, since banks are now charging monthly fees merely to hold your money, pay no interest, are eliminating free checking, are strangling new credit, and even charge for deposits in many cases. I might buy an old Holiday Inn just to let people keep money under the beds. At least they won’t be losing any of it while it’s there.

• The reason that awards categories now include “best revival” is that the originality in the theater has diminished to an all-time low. I’m waiting for “best derivative work not obviously stolen.”

• People who scurry to buy url addresses that they think they can resell later to someone whose work is related to the name, remind me of scalpers who buy good seats with the intent of reselling them at a premium later. That’s illegal in a lot of places, and it’s not exactly a huge value-contribution to society.

• Be careful. With the advent of the iPhone and social media platforms, the odds are that both a video camera and audio recorder are present, and what they record can be instantly broadcast.

• If you tell one other person, you no longer have a “secret.”

• The expectation of retirement at 65 is absurd, not because of finances and recession, but because it’s so boring and useless.

• In Italy, you don’t take your shoes off going through security, nor take out liquids. Are they daredevils, ahead of the US technologically, or merely less paranoid?

• Watch the new show “Pan Am.” That’s very much how it used to be. Pan Am was a client, and I often had stewardesses in my training programs. I can remember flying a Pan Am 747 from New York to San Francisco in first class at a special rate because they were introducing the new plane on that route. Flying to Australia, we all used to rush up the stairs to the piano bar to grab a couch seat. I kid you not.

• If you’re not sure where you’re really headed, stop trying so hard to get there, and spend some time identifying your personal destination. (Note to the airlines: “Final destination” is redundant.)

• When I was young, the leading industries were steel, auto, rubber, and textile If you think that’s an aberration, think of newspapers, banks, and airlines today, powerhouses no more.

• When every prospect attempts to get a deal from you, or refuses to call you back, then you’re doing something wrong, not them. When every CEO the board chooses turns out to be a disaster at Hewlett-Packard, it’s the board’s deficiency, not the candidates’. The entire HP board ought to be prosecuted for malfeasance.

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

In response to my bullet point in the most recent “In Case You Were Wondering What I Was Thinking” (below), Andrew Hollo of Australia send me an interesting link on a physicist’s approach to airplane boarding. But the really interesting part is in the commentary following the very brief piece, including: “I didn’t read it, I only skimmed it, and I’m not good at skimming, but here’s what I think….” I also like the idea of having people seated in the waiting area, and then moving the pods on board!

http://mblogs.discovermagazine.com/discoblog/2011/08/29/the-plane-truth-boarding-by-rows-is-the-worst-possible-way-says-physicist/

• Wild ducks are pretty well camouflaged, but why would they have orange feet? What’s up with that?

• Do the movie theater people realize that the rote-like question, “Would you like the larger size for just fifty cents more?” is not a sales technique, it’s an annoyance?

• Why do they continue to build both planes and airports that require hundreds of people to board through a single door?

• If you drive in the rain and dark without your lights on, is there any reason you shouldn’t be arrested just for sheer stupidity?

• People who experience fine service but deliberately leave small tips or “stiff” the help by not leaving any tip aren’t frugal, they actually have huge insecurity issues. (I’m going to try to undermine your self-worth so that it’s as low as mine.)

• Do you really feel energized spending a day at a rally listening to Terry Bradshaw, Colin Powell, Bill Cosby, Rudy Giuliani, Zig Zigler, et. al. (some of the others you’d have to Google for an ID)? I feel kind of sad that these successful people have to resort to this kind of road show and motivational fancy footwork. (Some slickster called me about the Boston “rally” and offered “my staff” a $1.99 preferred seating rate if we’d help promote it!) Rudy Giuliani is a member of my cigar club in New York, and I can listen to him easily enough there.

• Has anyone ever won anything by agreeing to take part in a company’s customer survey in return for being entered into a raffle?

• Some banks now charging a fee for deposits and/or maintaining your account is a sign both of desperation and complete lack of customer strategy.

• I find virtually all wine descriptions by experts to be pompous and pretentious, to the point of hilarity: “The 2006 vintage was far more serious, with a less sensitive nose and the vaguest hints of chestnut, frosted wheat and tannin.” Really? Are you on some kind of acid before you sample the wine?

• “Breaking Bad” and “Dexter” are two mesmerizing cable television series.

• When you ask someone to send you something tangible and your email has no physical address, or someone asks that you call them, but there’s no telling what time zone they’re in, why exactly should anyone bother to try to find out?

• I love exotic cars, but watching people drive race cars around an oval hundreds of times is agonizing, as bad as watching other people play poker.

• Metaphysical question of the day: If a tree falls in a city full of people during a vicious storm that’s been predicted for a week, does the power company hear it?

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.

• The guy watching the golf game who yells “IN THE HOLE!” after each golf shot should be crammed into a hole, with a rock then placed over it. Of all the bores, this one is near the top.

• Why would you use my first name if I’m a potential customer or client and you’ve never met me? Why not err on the side of manners? It’s especially irksome with some flight attendants who seem to think I should get them a drink.

• Everyone is afraid to say it, but the entire “child safe” and “child proof” movement is WAY, WAY overboard. How did any of us grow up in one piece?

• Of all the stupid state laws passed or not passed by dumb legislators, Rhode Island is near the very top: You must wear seat belts, to cut down on injury, death, and insurance costs; but motorcyclists do NOT need to wear a helmet, although their back seat passengers do. Does it get dumber than that? I can’t imagine how.

• Newspapers are not being put out of business by the Internet. Their slide began with radio, and they’ve simply been on a slow road to oblivion ever since, clawing and and scratching.

• In my experience, the stupidest management by industry as reflected in their lack of profits, lousy customer relationships, and absence of foresight: Airlines, newspapers, banks.

• In a world where people lose the ability to write cursively, and can no longer do math in their heads, a power outage creates a new configuration. It’s called The Dark Ages. (They lasted 400 years.)

• I’m not really that comforted by the technology that’s protecting our identities, providing for our defense, and improving our health when the answer to most computer problems remains, “Unplug it and then plug it back in.”

• When you keep using my first name (“Alan, you should listen to this….” “There is opportunity here, Alan, that you can’t ignore….”), I believe that you are condescending and up to something, trying to manipulate me with false sincerity.

• If a “full service” gas station doesn’t include cleaning my windshield or anything other than pouring in gas and taking my money, shouldn’t the choices really read: “Self-service” and “Pour your gas and take your money”?

• How long before Dyson (which is actually in the air movement business) finally creates a blower that can ACTUALLY dry a car in an automated car wash? How is it we can create wireless technology but can’t create a blower that can dry a car completely?

• Two outstanding books if you’re interested: The Most Controversial Decision (Andrew Roberts) about the actual dynamics of Truman’s decision to drop the atomic bomb, and Railroaded (Richard White) about the myths of the transcontinental railroads and how Congress conspired with a few rather pitiful industrialists to make them rich.

• In five years on the local planning board, including two as chair, I never once saw a study commissioned by the developers on traffic impact that wasn’t totally false. If you pay enough, you can get experts to see your way despite evidence to the contrary. (“Are you going to believe me or your lying eyes?”)

• We’ve purchased via Apple TV the entire seasons of Dexter, Walking Dead, and Breaking Bad, and along with the usual suspects (Damages, Mad Men, Memphis Beat, et. al.), no one needs any more of a reason to justify Cable TV or its cost. This is television at its best.

© Alan Weiss 2011. All rights reserved.