In Case You Were Wondering What I Was Thinking

  • I always feel like I need a shower after seeing a billboard on the road extolling some personal injury lawyer or their cheesy commercials on TV.
  • Since when did inserting “douche” into a sentence become a script writer’s refuge for cheap laughs?
  • Asking for a “deal” all the time is not an endearing trait, but rather a sign of a poverty mentality. Or do you also require the cheapest surgeon and ask if the doc will take a few bucks off the bill if you don’t use too much anesthesia?
  • You do not have writer’s block. You’re suffering from procrastination and groundless fear. Sit at a keyboard and type a few letters that form a word, then a few words that form a sentence, then a few sentences that form a paragraph. See? You’re writing.
  • I find that most people having loud cell phone conversations are spending most of the time justifying themselves and their actions.
  • Someone defined themselves to me the other day as “an agnostic atheist.” Is that like doubling down at the gambling tables?
  • FedEx has the absolute worst client service in the world. Their delivery people are great, but obtaining a credit or explaining a bill is wrong involves totally disempowered people eager to get you off their phone. (Two bags shipped at once, one doesn’t make it. They claim “weather.” “Why did one make it and not the other?” I ask. “It happens,” they say, and try to force me to pay. I didn’t.)
    • While I appreciate Tim Cook’s bold stance about gay rights (and against the law passed in Indiana) and LGBT, isn’t Apple investing heavily in the Saudi market right now, not exactly a bastion of rights except for the ruling, male elite? And what about China?
  • A woman runs in a door at the train station where I’m waiting and writing this column, with her husband, late for their train. Someone shouts out, you can still make it, but run! So she does—out a door on the opposite side of the station.
  • “Happy talk” news—in every market, major and minor—is an insult to our intelligence. “We’ll celebrate this tonight, won’t we Wanda?! Now, we go to Ted Vacant in Podunk where a tornado has killed 12 people. Ted?”
  • Train and bus commuters, with their regular seats, rituals, and habits, remind me of a scene from Big Brother or that song with “houses made of ticky tacky….”
  • I’m en route to Washington, DC again, so would someone please preserve the cherry blossoms until my wife joins me on Wednesday?

 

© Alan Weiss 2015


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