In Case You Were Wondering What I Was Thinking

  • Baseball fans: If my dog brings me his leash at the door, would that be called an “intentional walk”?

 

  • Am I crazy, or does this election seem like it belongs in Honduras, or San Marino, or Atlantis?

 

  • If I sign all the bank forms, but not the form indicating I’ve been given and have signed all the other forms, what would happen? Is that like the drunk who said, “I didn’t walk in here and I’m not leaving”?

 

  • I don’t think anyone has the right to consume without producing, whether it’s money or happiness.

 

  • If you don’t believe in Warhol’s “15 minutes of fame” principle, tell me where the Jersey Shore bunch is today.

 

  • If you insist on continuing to rebuild destroyed homes in beachfront flooding areas, then I insist you should pay for it yourself, not from insurance which we’re all subsidizing.

 

  • Automated phone calls are a nuisance, but you can hang up. It’s the bores in front of you, who talk during the play or clog the exits, who can make you homicidal.

 

  • Stephen Colbert is simply a disaster as David Letterman’s successor.

 

  • Strategic blunder: Airbus will only make 14 giant A380s next year because airlines don’t want four engines or need to transport 500-800 people on most routes (which is abut the size of a U.S. Army battalion).

 

  • Matthew McConaughey is so full of himself in those abominable Lincoln commercials that I want to drive him off the road.

 

  • Pain is unavoidable. Suffering is voluntary.

 

  • If you can see I’m chewing, why are you asking me to tell you if I’m enjoying the food? And if you want to clear, why are you asking, “Are you still working on this?” What do I look like, a miner?

 

  • After the first 20 seconds of your message I begin to drift off. Just tell ask me to call you and leave a number. I don’t need to hear where you are, what you’re doing, whom your with, or your view of life.

 

  • The equivalent to road rage is life rage, and apparently a lot of people suffer from it.

 

© Alan Weiss 2016


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