Here’s my next Facebook post:
I need to know that you’re really my friend, so please prove that you’re really reading this post by commenting with just two words about how the world is better because I’m in it. Then, have someone else witness it, so I know you’re not just lying or having someone else do it, and have your friend like it and include a photo.
But in case your friend is doing this for you and not me, I want you both to get a statement notarized proving that you did this together on my behalf.
If you don’t do this, I’d like to unfriend you, but I won’t because I desperately need all the friends I can get in my lonesome, needy life, and maybe you’ll change your mind when I ask again tomorrow. Why are you putting me through this agony!?