Shadows of Schadenfreude
(Stuff I Should Probably Feel Bad About But Somehow Don’t)
• I want the kids in the surf who scream like banshees with every wave to get a mouthful of seawater until they stop, and for good measure I want their parents’ food to be stolen by seagulls.
• I love it when the moron tailgating me on a city street can’t make it through the light after I do.
• It’s rewarding when the cool dude who wanders into the bar to see if anyone in there is worth his precious time trips over a table leg on the way back out.
• Makes my day when the people who ostentatiously arrive at their front row seats at the theater late are mocked by someone on stage.
• It’s nice when a braggart “instructing” people about how to enjoy Italy based on his one trip there for a week learns he’s speaking to people who were born there.
• I’ve had it with people in church who allow their kids to scream during services so that nothing else can be heard, even though there are private rooms they can use and still hear the service.
• If you’re going to stop in a doorway to chat leaving a theater, you deserve to be trampled underfoot.
• People on motor scooters doing 20 in a 45 zone, refusing to move over for other vehicles, should run out of gas in a deserted area with no cell phone reception 50 miles from home.
• Servers who introduce themselves at length, offer gratuitous opinions about food and wine, and constantly ask how you’re doing should be caught stealing food and spend the rest of their employment washing dishes.
• The person talking to you but looking over your shoulder to see if there’s anyone more appealing to talk to should miss Bill Gates and Diane Sawyer departing right behind her.
• The people who insist on saying, “No problem” should have some problems.
© Alan Weiss 2014