World Class Dumb Responses and Questions

World Class Dumb Responses and Questions

ME: What kind of cheese do you put on the cheeseburger?
Waitress: Melted, sir.

Worker: Your father was hurt on the job this morning!
My Mother: Where is he hurt?!
Worker: On 32nd street.

Me: Drive up to coffee shop in a blue Ferrari convertible.
Customer: How do you like driving that?

Repair Center Operator: Is the line you’re calling from the one you are reporting that you cannot make calls from?

Me: I’ll start with a shrimp cocktail.
Waitress: One shrimp cocktail (and takes the rest of my order).
Ten minutes later, waitress brings a single shrimp on a plate.
Me: What’s this?
Waitress: Your shrimp.
Me: I wanted more than one shrimp in the shrimp cocktail.
Waitress: You never said that.

Hilton Hot Line Operator: Hilton Hotline, we handle any request. This is Gladys, Dr. Weiss, what request may I handle for you?
Me: There is no room service menu in my suite.
Gladys: I’m so sorry, we don’t handle that.

Unsolicited email which comes a few times a year: I’m writing to tell you that I found six typos in your latest book.
Me: And what do you expect me to do about that?
Writer: Fix them.
Me: Would you like me to come over and correct them by hand?

My wife to waiter in venerable Old Canteen Restaurant in Providence: What kind of vegetables do you have with the meal tonight?
Weary waiter: Madam, we’ve had the same vegetables for 52 years.

Woman riding in my Bentley: I hear these are very fast.
Me: They go from zero to sixty in about 4.4 seconds.
Woman: What if you don’t want to go sixty?

A man, following me to dinner and back in another car: The spoiler on your car goes up whenever a Porsche or Ferrari is near you!
Me: Yes, the car is programmed to be ready to race in the presence of certain cars.
Him: Unbelievable!!
(I was manually putting the spoiler up and down the entire trip.)

Lightening strikes our DC-10 on takeoff at Newark Airport, plane lights up like the inside of a flashbulb as a rifle shot-sound is heard. Passengers are gasping for air, praying, screaming.
Pilot, in pilot “right stuff” voice two entire minutes later: Ah, ladies and gentlemen, you may have noticed a slight bump as we gained air speed….

Clerk in appliance store, staples all forms together after carefully assembling and squaring them up: Sir, please sign the top two copies.
Me: Sure.
Clerk then pulls top copy out from under staple: This is your copy.
Me: If that is my copy, why did you staple it to the others and then rip it off?
Clerk: Because this job does not require you to think that far ahead.

© Alan Weiss 2010. All rights reserved.