2015 Enigmas

  • Amy Schumer is bold, off-color, risk-taking—and not very funny. After hearing so much about her, I watched her HBO special (directed by Chris Rock, no less, but how do you “direct” a standup comedy routine?). I laughed three times over the course of an hour.
  • When will the other candidates realize that Trump grabs headlines because he’s refreshingly different in a process where everyone is vanilla and bland?
  • Who on earth thinks that automated phone calls will convince someone to vote in a certain way? Ben Carson has been the worst offender and I wouldn’t vote for him just on that basis (and also because his view of the world is at about a fifth grade level).
  • There are more weather people on TV in New England markets than there are beat reporters, which tells you something about the sophistication of the local outlets.
  • I understand some people not wanting religion “foisted” on them in public venues, but since when did it become fashionable to hold people of faith in such scorn, as if we’re inferior intellects? Talk about a false belief….
  • Where is it written that obese people are naturally funny in situation comedies on TV? John Goodman is funny not because he’s fat, and Melissa McCarthy isn’t funny just because she is.
  • There are precious few voters whose minds can be changed through debates or advertising. Most voters have selected a candidate at the outset and aren’t changing their minds.
  • Late night television talk shows all look alike, have the same guests, go through the same routines, all failing in their attempts to be half as good as Carson was. Doesn’t anyone have the courage to change the format (or, brace yourselves, try a female host)?
  • If you ever doubt the power of great wealth as improper leverage upon ethics, just look at the National Football League and it’s problems with spousal abuse, illegal substances, dirty play on the field, the long-term damage of head trauma, and part-time officials.
  • YouTube attracts the most disgusting, profane, unintelligent comments of any of the social media platforms. I’m surprised these people can learn to use a keyboard.
  • I don’t care what your workout regimen is, running in the dark on a narrow road with no reflective clothing is unhealthy (assuming you believe that death is unhealthy).
  • I walk away from whiners.
  • I used to love the announcement by the first class car steward on the Acela: “Please keep your first class feet off the first class furniture!”
  • I’m Catholic, and I’d like to know where it is written in Church law that priests should not be taught how to deliver a sermon properly. No one can accept and practice a behavior when they’re asleep.
  • The last time a wise-ass told me that a Chrysler and a Bentley look alike, I told him he was right, until you got within a half-mile of them, but, if you were in the Chrysler, you wouldn’t be able to get within a half-mile of the Bentley.
  • The practice of demanding that restaurant servers remember the order of four people without taking notes is ludicrous if the error rate on the food is even five percent (which it is).
  • Cyclists, who seem to have a huge chip on their shoulders, launch into road rage if a car is within four feet of them on a narrow street, but feel free to breeze through stop signs and red lights. Make up your minds: Are you mature vehicle operators or big, dopey, immature kids?
  • It’s frightening to think I trust my business, health, food, and other important matters to people who can’t parallel park. What is so difficult?
  • “The Martian,” about staying alive when marooned on Mars, is a great book and movie, especially considering that most people would have to call 911 if the local mini mart lost power for a few hours.


© Alan Weiss 2015

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